25%....1/4....half way to halfway there.

We’re 25% into this deployment and it’s really starting to wear.

I’m tired of feeling that I’m on my own.

I’m tired of people asking how I am, with the expectation on my part to say “Fine! Great! Wonderful!”

We military wives are supposed to be made of tough stuff. To put our lives, careers and everything else on hold for the sake of our husbands careers (which I resent completely).

I think I’d make them uncomfortable if I collapsed on the floor in a heap of tears.

I’m tired of feeling like I *have* to be that perfect person, that perfect mom, getting on the eldest to do homework, piano lessons, chores. The youngest has preschool and her plots to wreck havoc, destruction and mess wherever she goes.  Then there is the household stuff, cleaning, laundry, groceries, cleaning, bill paying, cleaning, cooking.  Bach.

It’s on me. All of it. And it SUCKS ass.

No help. No support. No one to talk to. This shouldn’t be a new thing for me, I’ve been on my own since I was 14 basically. But I’ve always had him.

There is someone who is bringing in wood for me, thankfully, because I can’t haul 60lb totes of wood down steep stairs and into the basement. Even that, I feel guilty asking him to do this for me. Like I’m a failure for not being strong enough to do that. When you go through a tote a day, relying on wood for heat gets old quick.

I can’t sleep, because the youngest has staked out approximately 85% of my bed every night at about 1am. If I take her back to her own bed, she’s right back there within 20 minutes. She’s a bed hog. I spend the rest of the night clinging to the side of the bed with her squished up against me on the other side.

Our grand plan of video conferencing using Skype died a horrible death. Apparently there are so many people using the base WiFi to download whatever (porn) that it’s causing major slowdowns. I am irrationally angry about this. Everyone on that base was told to NOT download things off the internet, yet they do. That means our method of communication is through MSN or the telephone. Glen can’t type worth shit, and I have to try and be available to him in the middle of the day in case he logs in, when he’s allowed online that is. When there are “incidents” they go into communications lockdown for who knows how long.  Oh, and patience? Pfft. He has non. Logs on…”are you there” and doesn’t even allow for pee breaks or dealing with children or even just being away from the computer. Then he’s gone. It’s hard when it’s one sided, on his terms.

I’m done. I really want him home. I want things back to normal.