I was very much looking forward to some respite care for the girls today. I get one day per month and it’s about 7 hours in length. Last night I developed an optical migraine, which developed overnight into a headache just teetering on the edge of a full blown migraine. With that of course came the exhaustion, the moodiness and the lack of appetite. Blech. I’m thankful it didn’t turn into a migraine, with Glen gone I can’t take my migraine medication, and they on average last at least a day. The meds make me useless for two days.
I took the girls into care and made my way to the big farmers market to pick up some grass fed beef and pork. Boy do I miss being part of the market, can’t do that till Glen gets back. Not fair to the kids, and too expensive to pay a sitter for that time. Fought the urge to fall asleep at the wheel the whole way home and spent the rest of my free time laying down dozing on and off.
My migraines have been coming more and more often, I need to talk to the doctor about them. I’ve been putting it off for a long time now. As it is, I’m waiting to hear back about some blood work and a scan I had a few weeks ago for another health related issue that they pestered me about.
I hate to complain, I don’t like people making a fuss over me, I always downplay how I am, thinking that it’s nothing. I think thats why I have a blog. I can vent it out, and it’s out of my head, then I can move on and not burden anyone with it. Growing up, my mother was always the center of attention medically and emotionally. She’s been dying for as long as I’ve known her and soaking up every ounce of sympathy that people throw her way. If there was a disease in the news, she’d call me up claiming to have it. She’s a one-upper. If I ever had a mild complaint….she’d have the same ONLY TEN TIMES WORSE AND SHE WAS GOING TO DIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at any moment so better say goodbye now!!!!! Glen and I used to joke that if her womanly bits were still in residence she would have been knocked up right along with me, only with quintuplets that all needed emergency surgery and vital organ transplants.
I’m glad that I’m not in contact with her right now. As much as I need a mother in my life, her drama and her “needs” would likely drive me over the edge. I wouln’t be allowed to be sad for myself, I’d have to be sad for her never ending drama. I’m done with drama and people who thrive on it. As someone whose life was shaped by drama, I can say with confidence that I am much happier without it. I have started to minimize contact with people who thrive on it. They can go find their drama elsewhere, I don’t have patience for it and I won’t feed it anymore.
Because of growing up around this type of person, I tend to neglect my own health. My neighbor, who has been keeping a motherly eye on me since Glen left dropped by yesterday to ask if I had made the doctors appointment yet. I’ve been having a lot of what I’d call “weak” days and she’s really concerned about me. I think her next step will be standing over me while I dial. I admit though, that its nice to have someone calling and dropping by to check up on me, to make sure that I’m Ok while Glen is gone. I’ve never had that. Sure, Glens mom does that…but she’s Glens mom.
One thing I did discover about respite care is that without the noise and hustle bustle of the kids, I really feel his absence. This is getting really old. People really don’t have any idea how hard it is for a military wife/mother to go through this. Other military wives get it, maybe that’s why my neighbor is taking care of me like that, she was in the same boat many times. I think it would be easier getting a divorce, because at least then there is a finality to things. There is a change in the relationship, there is the possibility for a new relationship, growth, new experiences. The kids still get to see the other parent. Instead, I’m stuck in limbo. Hellish hellish limbo. Playing both mom and dad. Being strong for the girls, not letting them see my tears, my anxiety, my frustration. My heart breaking when I go into my eldests room to see her clutching a post card and crying over her dad. I can’t tell him these things, because it wouldn’t be fair to him, it would be too hard for him to hear. He’s having a hard time too. Despite being a big tough military guy, he is a dad who loves his children, loves his family. I have to be strong for him too.
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