This cold is trying to take over, I’ve been battling it off with Oil of Oregano, and while the cold isn’t as bad as it could be, it’s causing me issues. It’s settled into my chest so I’m having a hard time breathing. The surgery I had in ‘05 collapsed a lung, so now it’s prone to problems because of the scar tissue. Most of the day yesterday I was light headed and weak. Standing for any period of time was an issue, and I desperately needed to bring in wood. I had planned on bringing some in yesterday, but it wasn’t happening.
I called our sponsor, who happens to be a friend of Glens, and I am so thankful that he is very easy going helpful. I asked him to bring in enough wood to last a few days. Glens dad will be here tomorrow and he isn’t happy unless he’s complaining about all the work he has to do, so I didn’t need much. He didn’t listen to me and packed it full. I feel so fortunate for people like him. He gave me shit for feeling like I needed a reason to call for help. He assured me that I could call at anytime for help, and he thought that women married to military men must be genetically different to be able to handle everything that they need to do.
I hate asking for help. Ever. It’s incredibly hard for me to do, and I always feel vulnerable when I do. When I ask something of someone, I feel like I’m putting myself out there to be judged and the fear of being rejected is very real. I don’t deal well with those kinds of situations at all.
That leads me to the meat of the post. I had horrible nightmares last night about Glen. I revisited the “rejection” theme again and again last night in la-la land and it was horrible. One of the worst things that someone can do to me is to go from being loving and accepting, to hateful, mean and rejecting. My mother did that all the time. I could quite literally bounce through the door all happy, see happiness on her face………only to have her say something horribly mean to me. Her favorite trick was to start out pleasant…..telling me how much she loved me or other such nonsense, only to then switch to detailing all my faults and wishing me dead. There is a damn good reason why she isn’t in my life anymore, I learned to stop letting people do that to me.
But my subconscious? I sometimes revert to that scared little girl that believed everything her mommy said. Is it ever apparent in dream land. I woke up really pissed off at Glen. He was in the shoes of my mother, betraying me verbally and even physically (cheating, the ultimate form of rejection). I was heartbroken and my life was falling apart in the dream. Thankfully I woke up, and calmed down slightly.
It was so emotional, it was so real, the emotions were raw and nasty and painful. I woke up pissed at him. He has done nothing wrong, but I’m still hurt. He’s been my rock for the last 21 years, has never betrayed me, has never broken my heart, has never rejected me, yet my subconscious was revealing that primal fear to me last night in my dream. It was only a dream.
I think it’s a good reminder to me, to be thankful to have rocks like him in my life. To remember that when it comes to people close to me, look at their actions more than their words because they tell the real tale. Everyone else, can stay beyond the wall.
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