Feelings are hard.

I’ve been trying to explore my feelings more. Go to those uncomfortable places. I’ve been taking chances with people. It’s scary as shit, but also….starting to get a little easier.

I’ve had a situation, well, not a situation, but I guess more of an event. A simple one really. Someone offered us supper. In their home.

For most this would be a welcome invite, for me, it caused some internal drama.

My first instinct was to turn her down, not wanting to put her out. I don’t know why, maybe it’s that wall that I tend to walk around holding.  But I resisted the urge, and accepted the invite.

How fucked up is it that a simple act of kindness makes me feel awkward, like I don’t deserve it? Like why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with me and the girls?

I felt a bit awkward at the kindness. The genuine kindness. No strings, just wanting the company of me and the girls. Really wanting to be with us, not because they wanted something, not because they were putting on a show, but a true desire to be part of our lives.

It was a simple meal, baked chicken, veggies and rice. It was lovely. It was relaxed, it was wonderful.

Oddly I’m uncomfortable with kindness like this. She wanted to invite us over because she knows that I’m on my own right now and would like the break from cooking, and to have other adults there to entertain the kids. It was a kindness that I almost couldn’t comprehend. It hurt so much, I almost cried, that simple kindness.

The girls loved them, it isn’t the first time that they’ve been around these lovely people, it made me wish that I could be as carefree as they are. I think it’s because they’ve never been hurt. They’re still too young, unscarred by life. They’ve never put themselves out there wholeheartedly only to have their heart shredded and handed back to them in pieces.

I need to put my own trust in the girls. They give their hearts so freely to these people, maybe I should too.  They don’t lavish love and attention on just anyone, it seems that they instinctively know who to take a chance on.

I need to follow their lead a little bit more and accept love and genuine relationships into my life.