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Ever wake up in the middle of the night, try like a bugger to get back to sleep but you brain won’t settle into a nice relaxing pattern?
Yeah, sucks don’t it?
So, it’s three am. It’s day three of the Wholesale Trade Expo here in Halifax and I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready to go do the last day.
To say that the show is a huge bust would be an understatement.
This show is normally held on three levels. This year it’s on two. The bottom level is pretty empty of vendors. The buyers coming through, are sparse. They have little badges that tell us by color who is a guest, who is a buyer and who is a vendor. ALL the vendors are complaining about how slow it is, that usually the aisles are packed with buyers. It’s a sign of the economy.
Many vendors who have done this show for many years are doing well, getting lots of repeat business from their regular customers.
I have gotten one new account. ONE. And the order that they placed is half my minimum wholesale account set up.
I have had many people stop, take samples, take my wholesale forms and walk away saying that they will be in touch. But the likelyhood of that happening is pretty slim. I mean hey, if you’ve just grabbed 5 or 6 samples, you’d want to cover your ass too with false promises too.
I promised myself that I would not get discouraged. I promised myself that I would look at the whole thing with a positive spin that I would remind myself that many sales DO come after the show. That this is part of doing business, that being a new vendor at the show is a lot like doing farmers markets, you have to make your presence known because buyers dislike fly by night businesses.
But, after talking to vendors, they are all split on that. Some say, that 100% of their sales come from the show, others tell me that they only do about 35% of their sales at the show and the rest follow.
Right now? I just want to pack my shit and go home. Rethink this whole business thing.
I’ve busted my ass for the last month and a half to get ready (even longer as I’ve been preparing for it since August). I’ve dropped a LOT of money (thankfully the business money, but now it’s broke too) into this hoping that I would come out on the other side in the black.
I just am seriously at the point of throwing in the towel.
I have so much time, blood, sweat and tears invested into this business, coupled with getting ripped off by customers, and being taken advantage of by greedy show promoters that I am just exhausted of chasing that dream of having a profitable business.
I did up my taxes, and while my numbers look really awesome, my expenses really really hurt. My actual take home was pathetic. I may as well have gone to work at Zellers.
BUT. I think that things happen for a reason a lot of the time. There was a woman that I was set up across from at the Acadia Craft Show last November. Her and I got talking and she put some ideas in my head about pursuing a different path. One that will give me a regular paycheque, and an actual career that doesn’t involve kissing ass all day long.
She happened to show up at this show and the first thing she asked me was “when do you start!?” She, by all rights should not have been at that show. And there she was, reminding me of those conversations. She has been in the back of my head for the last two months and I’ve told her as much. I’ve been waiting for this show, to see how it went before I made any rash decisions about the future of the business.
I sent her home with lots of goodies, cause I’ve got a ton! I thanked her from the bottom of my heart, told her that our conversations last November had really inspired me, that I was waiting to see how I did at this show before I truly committed one way or another.
And there she was, she showed up when I was at a really low point in my day, to cheer me up. Sometimes, things just happen for a reason.
I made it 18 days of sugar free living, lost some weight, felt great, it was awesome!
Then, via MSN today, the husband tells me that he had to travel into Kandahar, Afghanistan to do some military stuff over the span of a few days. He neglected to tell me this, because he didn’t want me to worry. I called bullshit, that he is my husband and I’ll fucking well worry about him if I want to, I do anyway, even where he is because he isn’t 100% safe.
So, all of a sudden the urge to eat crap was overwhelming. I wanted nachos. Nachos with 7 layer dip (this must have cheese, guacomole, tomatoes, onions, salsa and sour cream). The store didn’t have any, so I settled with salad. Yeah, I don’t know how my brain works either.I will be exceeding my standard carb count today, and I can say honestly I don’t give a shit.
Don’t need any more proof that I’m an emotional eater. That pretty much sealed it.
I am also planning on dipping into the booze heavily. The children aren’t even in bed yet and I’m on my second shot of baileys. Will be drinking some harder stuff later. Yes, I am horribly irresponsible.
I’m also preparing for a damn snow day tomorrow, there is more than 2cms in the forecast, which means that the entire province shuts down. Meh. Wimps.
I just hope I have enough wood for a few days.
I got the last of my labels formatted and printed by the printers, they look really good. Glen is working on my order forms cause he’s good with stuff like that. I need to make some massage bars and lip balm. Then after they get labeled and packaged, I’ll package some soap and bring in my soap stand to start my pre-display set ups. This is where I set up my tables like I will at the show, take pictures on my phone and figure out if there is anything missing. Likely, I’ll be missing signage. I hate signage. I really really hate signage. Can’t you people tell what things are by reading labels? Or just reading my fucking mind?
I mean seriously, did I mention how much I dislike signage?All the little finicky signs that try and convince people to buy my stuff and hawk it in their stores!
About the only other thing I need to do is perfect the order forms, get large pictures printed, buy some fishing line to hang my big pictures around my booth and then have a gigantic freakout on the scale of a supernova.
Freakout is obligatory.
In the middle of all that, the MIL and SIL are kindly coming down to take care of the boogers while I promote my business in Halifax. The buyers that will be there are from all over Canada and the Eastern US seaboard, so, again with the freakout. I’m so lucky to have family willing to bend over backwards for me. I felt bad for asking, they even told me to keep the airfare money and spend it in France with Glen. I was totally going to pay for their ticket (well, my SIls ticket – I figured I’d spend the same amount on childcare anyway, so I may as well ask the SIL to come hang out with her favorite nieces!)
I’ve spent 800 bucks on this table, with the expectation that I get some wholesale accounts out of it. Talk about pressure.
Thats my next hurdle. Then, its work on the orders that come out of it, and from there, go to France and make like bunnies for two weeks.
Five weeks from today, I’ll be on the ground in the UK, likely in a coma due to jetlag. But I’ll be with Glen.
Twenty weeks from today, he should be coming home. If of course the horribly cruel rumor going around is incorrect which states that they wont be home till Mid-July.
You’ll be able to hear my temper tantrum from where you are if that little gem is true.
I’ve been trying to explore my feelings more. Go to those uncomfortable places. I’ve been taking chances with people. It’s scary as shit, but also….starting to get a little easier.
I’ve had a situation, well, not a situation, but I guess more of an event. A simple one really. Someone offered us supper. In their home.
For most this would be a welcome invite, for me, it caused some internal drama.
My first instinct was to turn her down, not wanting to put her out. I don’t know why, maybe it’s that wall that I tend to walk around holding. But I resisted the urge, and accepted the invite.
How fucked up is it that a simple act of kindness makes me feel awkward, like I don’t deserve it? Like why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with me and the girls?
I felt a bit awkward at the kindness. The genuine kindness. No strings, just wanting the company of me and the girls. Really wanting to be with us, not because they wanted something, not because they were putting on a show, but a true desire to be part of our lives.
It was a simple meal, baked chicken, veggies and rice. It was lovely. It was relaxed, it was wonderful.
Oddly I’m uncomfortable with kindness like this. She wanted to invite us over because she knows that I’m on my own right now and would like the break from cooking, and to have other adults there to entertain the kids. It was a kindness that I almost couldn’t comprehend. It hurt so much, I almost cried, that simple kindness.
The girls loved them, it isn’t the first time that they’ve been around these lovely people, it made me wish that I could be as carefree as they are. I think it’s because they’ve never been hurt. They’re still too young, unscarred by life. They’ve never put themselves out there wholeheartedly only to have their heart shredded and handed back to them in pieces.
I need to put my own trust in the girls. They give their hearts so freely to these people, maybe I should too. They don’t lavish love and attention on just anyone, it seems that they instinctively know who to take a chance on.
I need to follow their lead a little bit more and accept love and genuine relationships into my life.
That’s what gets me, when the kids are in bed, asleep.
No way to talk to Glen because he’s 8 hours ahead of me right now, and likely just thinking about getting up to start his day.
By the time the void really starts to bother me, it’s too late. No one to talk to anyway, friends have their own family, their own problems. They don’t want to listen to me whine. I don’t even want to listen to me whine. Family?
So I whine here.
I’m tired of doing everything on my own. I’m tired of feeling so very alone in the world. I don’t like this feeling. I get restless, I feel twitchy, I feel aimless.
Drama Queen, thy name is Jennifer.
I wish I was one of those people who was good around other people. I wish I could look at the phone and not think of all the reasons why I should NOT pick it up and call someone. During the day, the kids are underfoot and it’s impossible to talk on the phone, then after they’re in bed and settled, it’s either too late to call or I start making excuses as to why I shouldn’t pick the phone up.
Time for bed. I have a monster book out from the library, and need to get through the behemoth.
We’re 25% into this deployment and it’s really starting to wear.
I’m tired of feeling that I’m on my own.
I’m tired of people asking how I am, with the expectation on my part to say “Fine! Great! Wonderful!”
We military wives are supposed to be made of tough stuff. To put our lives, careers and everything else on hold for the sake of our husbands careers (which I resent completely).
I think I’d make them uncomfortable if I collapsed on the floor in a heap of tears.
I’m tired of feeling like I *have* to be that perfect person, that perfect mom, getting on the eldest to do homework, piano lessons, chores. The youngest has preschool and her plots to wreck havoc, destruction and mess wherever she goes. Then there is the household stuff, cleaning, laundry, groceries, cleaning, bill paying, cleaning, cooking. Bach.
It’s on me. All of it. And it SUCKS ass.
No help. No support. No one to talk to. This shouldn’t be a new thing for me, I’ve been on my own since I was 14 basically. But I’ve always had him.
There is someone who is bringing in wood for me, thankfully, because I can’t haul 60lb totes of wood down steep stairs and into the basement. Even that, I feel guilty asking him to do this for me. Like I’m a failure for not being strong enough to do that. When you go through a tote a day, relying on wood for heat gets old quick.
I can’t sleep, because the youngest has staked out approximately 85% of my bed every night at about 1am. If I take her back to her own bed, she’s right back there within 20 minutes. She’s a bed hog. I spend the rest of the night clinging to the side of the bed with her squished up against me on the other side.
Our grand plan of video conferencing using Skype died a horrible death. Apparently there are so many people using the base WiFi to download whatever (porn) that it’s causing major slowdowns. I am irrationally angry about this. Everyone on that base was told to NOT download things off the internet, yet they do. That means our method of communication is through MSN or the telephone. Glen can’t type worth shit, and I have to try and be available to him in the middle of the day in case he logs in, when he’s allowed online that is. When there are “incidents” they go into communications lockdown for who knows how long. Oh, and patience? Pfft. He has non. Logs on…”are you there” and doesn’t even allow for pee breaks or dealing with children or even just being away from the computer. Then he’s gone. It’s hard when it’s one sided, on his terms.
I’m done. I really want him home. I want things back to normal.
At no one in particular.
Just kinda having one of those, annoyed at everyone and everything kinda days.
Annoyed with the military because they have the slowest mail system to deployed soldiers on the planet. I could have driven the packages over there by now.
Annoyed with people who can’t or won’t take responsibility for their actions.
Annoyed with seemingly smart, articulate people that everyone loves, who when faced with statistics and research that actually contradict the bulldog like stance they’ve taken on a particular issue, completely ignore said research and plod on spouting shit that is blatantly false. That really irks.
I’m feeling anxious again, I haven’t been taking my vitamins, so I’m feeling the effects of that. I started again today when I was cycling between feeling ok and on the verge of tears/anger/rage.
I’m getting ready for a major wholesale trade show at the end of the month for the business, and I seriously don’t know what I’m doing.I don’t even know if I WANT to move the business ahead into the wholesale world. I think I may be afraid of success. On the flip side, afraid of failure.
What I want:
Work that pays, it’s one thing to do something that you enjoy, but when it doesn’t pay the bills? *sigh*
Work that promotes continuous learning.
Work that promotes healthy living.
Work where I can use my damn degree.
What I need:
To feel valued
To receive moola for my hard work (yeah, thats twice I’ve listed that)
To live a healthy life
To get rid of my sugar addiction (and in preparation of this, I am systematically eating all the sugar laden crap in the house, I’m taking one for the team). I hope to start low carbing it in the next week or so.
Oh ya, and I want my husband back. He’s been gone for 5 weeks now and I’m really missing him. To the point of pain.
My first post of the year.
2009 was an learning year for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself, the business and the people in my life. I’ve learned to look beyond the the walls that people put up. I’ve made some real, genuine friends. I’ve burned a few bridges with no regrets. I’ve learned to avoid the people that thrive on drama and I’ve learned what is important in life.
I’ve accepted that there are things and people I cannot change, and I’ve moved beyond the need for people to like or love me. Why must we grow old to learn these lessons? Why couldn’t I have had this attitude while in highschool? While living at home, desperately wanting to be loved, desperate for any sort of affection from the people around me?
My children are growing up. They are cultivating important relationships with friends and family members. They are exploring their interests and are growing into amazing little people.
Just a few days into 2010, and I’m already counting the days.
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More days here in Alberta. Today we go to the waterpark. Tomorrow I hope to take my eldest to Avatar in 3D. The day after that we start the long trip home.
4
Days until I start to eat Low Carb. I’m going to try and kick all white shit out of my diet. Rice, potatoes, flour, sugar. I have a sugar addiction, as does most of our society, and it needs to go. Glen has been doing really well over there. Eating loads of fruit, veggies and grilled meats. I would be too if I had it all prepared for me. I also need to learn how to eat. Sounds funny but it’s true. My portion sizes are too large, I snack too much on crap and I’m addicted to hot sweet coffee. I looooovvvveee coffee. I’m going to start loving green tea. So there. Seeing as Glen is losing weight roll over roll, I also want to start loosing some weight, I need to loose weight. I think it will be easier with him gone. He was a bad one for bringing home snacks that would become a habit.
After I got that rejection letter from the recruiting office, I put back on the weight I lost, and a little bit more. I just didn’t care anymore. At one of my craft shows in the fall, I was set up across from a retired medical technician that worked at the recruiting center. She told me some interesting things about why I got that rejection letter and what I could do to get them to reconsider my application. That what I face is very very minimal and it won’t take much to overturn it. That left me going “huh”. It made me re-examine my goals. Funny how things work. Of all the people set up across from me, she was.
32
Days until my wholesale trade show, I’ve gotten a bit of paperwork done here for the show, but I’m a visual person, and seeing things on paper doesn’t do the trick for me, I need to see it laid out in front of me. I suspect I’ll be spending a lot of my days locked in my workshop working on samples and at my computer working on labeling. I’ve got so much work to do it isn’t even funny. I’;m stressed about the show more because I have no idea what is going on for childcare than anything. My ideal is that someone can take care of the girls for the whole weekend and I’ll stay in a hotel in Halifax and not worry about the girls. My SIL is thinking about coming down, I’ll spring for her ticket, but she is one person that I trust completely with the girls. I suppose I’ll just have to trust that things will work out.
58
Days until I meet Glen in England, we rent a car and explore France. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s way cheaper to fly into England and rent a car than it is to do the same in France. The channel crossing on a ferry is only $70 CDN dollars. Also, we’re Canadian, to get anywhere here you have to drive several hours, it really doesn’t phase us if it takes three hours to drive from Calais to Caen, or two hours to Paris. That’s a blip for us. We also love to go on drives, and explore the countryside. We have a few extra days in our itinerary to account for getting lost on purpose. I’m not booking any hotels, and we just have a list of things we’d like to see. This is a much different experience than the last time we went overseas. I swear I had everything scheduled down to the hour.
161
Days until he’s home. I hope. That number is the number of days until June 15th, which is their tentative coming home date.
162
Days until he’s on vacation and we spend time together as a family. Maybe we’ll drive across the country to Alberta to visit his parents. Maybe we’ll just stay home. Maybe we’ll spend the time camping or maybe we’ll take the girls to Disneyland?
2010 seems to be all about numbers. Loosing weight, recounting what’s important, counting down the days to having Glen home.
Than watching a grouchy old grandpa be reduced to playing dollies on the floor by a three year old.
Someone is missing.
Glen has been gone for three weeks now, and we’re all feeling the hole that he has left in our hearts.
Spending time with his family here in Edmonton, while great for the girls, is also a painful reminder of his absence.
His parents and sisters are an awesome distraction for the girls though, there is nothing better than family for that I think. At least for them. I’d rather have my husband and my family whole. I’m sure they’d rather have their dad too, but in the meantime, grandparents and aunties giving them their undivided attention is a good thing too.
I have all these things that I have to do to get ready for the wholesale trade show in February and no drive to do it. I’ve paid 800 dollars for a table at the stupid thing so I can get some wholesale accounts, and I’m really rather blah about it.
I’ve also had some “long time in coming” realizations that have added to my funk in a way. It was my own stupidity to cling to certain ideals. I had already been told the truth of the matter many years ago, and I didn’t listen. My mistake. This time I listened, and listened very well. This made some of my own decisions a lot easier, so really, it’s a good thing.
I do have some things to look forward too, we have made tentative plans for me to go to France to meet Glen in March. Everything though is still up in the air. Which drives me nuts. I’m a planner, so that makes it hard. At this point I think the plan is that we meet in France, rent a car and tour around to the Beaches of Normandy, Mont. St. Micheal, Carsaconne and maybe the south coast of France. We only have two weeks, so there isn’t a lot of time.
When Glen gets back we plan on buying a tent trailer. Depending on how much Glen spends in the shopping capital of the world that is. We may not have any money left! Glen will have the better part of two months off when he gets back, so we were thinking of camping across Canada to visit his parents out west. I’d personally like to stop in Ontario so we can take our girls to the Royal Ontario Museum, Marine Land and the Ontario Science center. Given the amount of time we’ll have off, I think its do-able.
No one really accounts for how hard this is on Glen. Everyone is all concerned with the family and the wife, but there isn’t a lot of focus on the serving member and how they are feeling. He’s a strong guy, but very family oriented. He’s really feeling it.
Oh, and I got a tattoo! I’ve wanted one for about 15 years and I finally found something that appealed to me on several levels.
It represents two things, the first is the most obvious, my beleif in evolution. This is the Darwin Fish (vs the jesus fish) with the word evolve inside, written in such a way that you can read it from the top or bottom.I kinda wanted to get the flying spaghetti monster, but I’m afraid there are even more people that don’t know what that is.
 Evolve The second idea behind the word evolve, is a personal one.
I’ve been through so much in my life. I beat the odds. I survived. I literally evolved. I went from a co-dependent, fraidy cat who was afraid to say shit if her mouth was filled with it, to the pain in the ass that I am now.
I evolved. I have been set free from some of the shit that has held me down for so long. I’m not going to let any of it affect me anymore.
I’m sitting here in a very quiet hotel room, two little girls snuggled under thick duvet covers, finally asleep.
I won’t go into details over how much yelling and threatening I did though to get them to finally settle down and try to sleep.
To say they’ve been hyper today would be an understatement.
Morgan and her aunt have been e-mailing each other the last few days, passing along ideas for making projects. Emily has been talking about her grandpa non-stop.
They’ve been taking more about this visit than that fat guy in a red suits appearance. They haven’t even been concerned about him finding them on Christmas day.
Morgan had me in stitches the other day, as we were packing, I asked if she wanted to take a few christmas books with her. She grabbed two, one was “The First Christmas”. She said she wanted to bring it, even if it didn’t make any sense. I asked her what she meant by that, and gave me a few reasons that I don’t remember right now. I explained a few things about the christian religion, from Jesus’ birth, life, death and then resurrection to give her a better idea of what Christians beleive and how Christmas comes into play.
She was confused about the resurrection.
She wanted to know if people ran around screaming because he was a zombie.
I was down and out for a good 5 minutes.
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